Wanting back to the light…

I believe I have been trying to quit my wine habit for more than 15 years. I have gone several times for 30 days and once I achieved 7 months. During that time I began to really love who I was. I had a calm, peacefulness about me that I never had known before. I was careful with my words. I listened big and talked softly. I was in shape. I was creative. I was present in all of my conversations. And then I picked up that first glass of wine. I have never been interested in moderating. I want the buzz. I have struggled to gather the will to “want” to be alcohol free. The beginning weeks take so much energy and then somehow, I cave. My husband and friends all drink. None think I have a problem but they are not the ones who have to face my bloated, bloodshot reflection in the mirror each morning. I am wasting so much of my life recovering from the night before and have lost my vibrancy. I know that my life will be so much more than it is right now if I simply ditch the wine. So simple. Do not pick up the first drink. But so damn hard too. I am off to an all-inclusive resort with my husband two weeks today. I would so love to do that without the “free” booze – not really free when I consider the soul costs. Imagine returning and feeling healthy, well rested, and proud of myself. I have done an all-inclusive without the booze once before so I know it can be done.

It would also would be great if I could not make a complete ass of myself in front of my teenage children this New Years eve. My husband thinks I should wait until the New Year to quit but I can’t stand myself right now. I have spent so much time reading sober blogs and recovery sites and I want what the sober folks have. No time like the present. I just hope that I am not setting myself up for failure by picking the holiday season complete with an adult only holiday at an all inclusive resort. Anyhow, thanks for reading my rant and I look forward to learning and sharing with all of you…

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