So this is Day 9. I am working with a life coach this time around to make sure that I stay quit. I am done with my bitchy “frenemy” – wine. She is a backstabber. In the beginning she was there for me no matter what my mood. But now she has become inconsistent. I never know how the evening will end up. Will she help me pick a ridiculous argument with my unsuspecting husband? Will she help me say things I will regret in the morning? Will she make me forget conversations or the end of an evening? Will I spend the entire next day (sometimes two days) trying to recover from the time we spent together, wasting precious time not living up to my potential? One thing I know is that in the moment I cannot get enough of her. But my highest self knows that despite what the media would have me believe about all good-times needing a drink to happen, this “friendship” has become toxic and I need her out of my life for good…
As I walked around doing chores yesterday morning I had the oddest feeling. I could not put my finger on it. I sat with it for a while and then it dawned on me. I felt happy. Cheerful. Hopeful. Nothing over the top but just a general sense of well-being. And these feelings were present without the usual red wine buzz. I was not having to talk myself into these feelings – they were simply there. For a long time I have noticed that when I drink wine regularly, I experience a feeling of low-grade sadness. The blues. A feeling of persistent melancholy. I spend a lot of my mental energy talking myself into a happier state of mind and that takes work. But these good feelings yesterday were just there. I was not trying to convince myself to feel this way. I have wondered if maybe the reason I drink wine with such commitment is because I might suffer from a low-grade depression that I self-medicate. Today I wonder if it is the other way around. Perhaps a result of the chemicals ingested from wine is a low grade mood. Perhaps with some days strung together without wine, my system is producing its own feel good chemicals. Huh. I will take it. I like the general feeling of happiness as opposed to the low grade sadness.
I have often thought that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) as well. I tend to drink a lot in the winter (and spring and summer and fall but I digress) when getting outside and doing stuff is so much harder due to weather and the shorter days. Chicken and egg thing I guess. Anyway, all I know is today I am very grateful to not have that feeling of sadness. I am grateful to be fighting for myself rather than giving up and opening another bottle (or two) of wine. I am grateful for the support I am receiving through blogs and websites. I am grateful for all that I am learning about as a result of my alcohol mis-use through books by those who have been there, done that, and moved onto to WAY greater things in life. So for right now, I gotta say living today alcohol free totally rocks. Hope I feel this way Friday night too 😉
Have a happy day!