So this is Day 9. I am working with a sober coach this time around to make sure that I stay quit. I am done with my bitchy “frenemy” – wine. She is a backstabber. In the beginning she is there for me no matter what my mood. But she has become inconsistent. I never know how the evening will end up. Will she help me pick a fight with my unsuspecting husband? Will she help me say things I will regret in the morning? Will she make me forget conversations or the end of an evening? Will I spend the entire next day trying to recover from the time we spent together and waste yet another day not living up to my potential? One thing I know is that in the moment I cannot get enough of her. She is making me hate myself. This friendship has become toxic and I need her out of my life for good…
As I walked around doing chores yesterday morning I had the oddest feeling. I could not put my finger on it. I sat with it for a while and then it dawned on me. I felt happy. Cheerful. Hopeful. Nothing over the top but just a general sense of well-being. And these feelings were present without the usual red wine buzz. I was not having to talk myself into these feelings – they were simply there. For a long time I have noticed that when I drink wine regularly, I have a feeling of low-grade sadness. The blues. A feeling of persistent melancholy. I spend a lot of my mental energy talking myself into a happier state of mind and that takes a lot of work. But these good feelings yesterday were just there. I was not trying to convince myself to feel this way. When I drink wine, I drink a lot of it and I drink often. There is no halfway for me. Go big or don’t bother. I have often wondered if maybe I am prone to depression. I have tried anti-depressants several times in the past but I hate the way they make me feel foggy – ironic really given my alcohol motivation is to get myself to that buzzed, foggy state. I have wondered if maybe the reason I drink too much is that I suffer from a low-grade depression that I self-medicate for. But now I am beginning to wonder if it is the other way around. I think that I have drank so much for so long that the chemicals ingested each night make me depressed. Given enough time without, my brain is not so sad. Huh. I will take it. I like the general feeling of happiness.
I have often thought that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) as well. I tend to drink a lot in the winter when getting outside and doing stuff is so much harder due to weather and the shorter days. Chicken and egg thing I guess. Anyway, all I know is today I am very grateful to not have that feeling of sadness. I am grateful to be fighting for myself rather than giving up and opening another bottle (or two) of wine. I am grateful for the support I am receiving through blogs and websites. I am grateful that I am not too proud to admit that I have a problem that needs solving. I am grateful for all that I am learning about as a result of my alcohol mis-use through books by those who have been there, done that, and moved onto to WAY greater things in life. So for right now, I gotta say living today alcohol free totally rocks. Hope I feel this way Friday night too 😉
Have a happy day!