First World Problems…

So last night my husband and I with another couple went out to dinner and play. All in all it went well. My girlfriend decided to join me in my “cocktail” choice of cranberry, soda with a wedge of fresh lemon. I was quite tired and would have preferred to stay home last night but since we have seasons tickets I couldn’t let them go to waste. My friend doesn’t seem convinced that I am really going to quit my wine habit which is par for the course as I have stopped and started so many times my credibility is shot even with myself. She asked me, “So are you not drinking?” when I replied no that I am done with drinking she asked, “For how long this time?” to which I replied “for good, done, forever.” As I answered her I felt a resolve or conviction right down to my bones. BUT – I have felt this certain before. I have been so done with being a lush, never to return, so proud of who I was becoming and then one morning I wake up to realize I am back in the pit. Sad reality is that there are parts of me who are relieved to be drinking with abandon again. Very small, dark, unhealthy parts but they are part of me nonetheless. As we were leaving the pub my friend asked me, “So you didn’t drink at the Christmas Luncheon yesterday?” when I told her I hadn’t she said, “Not even one?” I told her not even one and that I had reached out for help but not from the same program I had last time. “I am serious. I am done. It’s over.” We began to discuss what I had been doing to support my decision and then the husbands joined us and I did not feel like engaging in a group discussion so we changed the subject agreeing to talk about it later in private. But the opportunity never came up again. Upon our arrival to the theatre my husband went straight away to the bar to order drinks. I ordered a tea before I had time to consider any other harmful options. My friend had the same. I must admit I was relieved and felt supported by her order. I harbour no illusions though. I know that if anyone else (female) had been with us, drinking wine, my friend would have joined right in. However, I also know that if I asked her to abstain because I was struggling, she would without question. Although she might engage in avoidance behaviour around in future if she wanted to get her drink on… While that hurts on some level – I get it – I would probably avoid people too if I wanted to drink and the couldn’t.
I had a pretty good time. I have hurt a muscle in my back by exercising which frankly pisses me off as fitness is a big part of my recovery plan. I had a hard time sitting upright both at dinner and at the play. I was unable to exercise yesterday and probably should rest it today. Bugs me though. And it is causing a little bit of worry about leaving on vacation as running and working out were a BIG part of my plan. Now, not only do I have this injury but the weather forecast is calling for rain EVERY day next week at our vacation destination. My head is screaming – what are you going to do if there is no sun, no exercise, and NO DRINKING??? I am going to bring some art supplies and lots of books to read. I was thinking maybe I should review knitting and get a project going quickly so I have something to do while my husband sits in the many bars at the resort. There is only so much soda one woman can drink. That is a fascinating thought – how I can easily have 7-10 (or more) alcoholic drinks but would never think of drinking that quantity of non-alcohol drinks. Who sits down to have 10 cups of tea back to back? Insanity. So while I know these are TOTALLY first world problems, this is what is taking up real estate in my head currently… On the upside, we were to meet our new next door neighbours up at the ski hill this evening for drinks but they called to cancel as they are unable to get away this weekend. I cannot tell you how relieved I am about that. I think I will stay home this evening and cocoon and try to speed heal my back…

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