Time to get to work…

At my kitchen table having coffee after a restless night’s sleep. We spent the weekend planning an upcoming trip to Las Vegas that was booked when I was still drinking lots of wine daily. I am not sure if the thought of going to Las Vegas sober with two of our closest drinking friends and my husband who will join right in, triggered me or the weather or me just being me but all in all it was a rough time. If anyone had been drinking in front of me I think I would have thrown in the towel and joined them. Luckily, everyone is doing a January cleanse so we were all sipping tea. Even last night, Sunday evening, when everything quiets down I was still triggered. So I bought some candy and went to town. To hell with the cleanse. The reality is that I conveniently forget the pain and depression that comes as part of the package when I drink. I forget the embarrassing conversations. I forget feeling sick the next day. I forget the self-loathing. I forget the desperation. I forget how sensitive I get and the arguments that ensue. I forget the little voice telling me I was made for better things than this. None of these FACTS enter my thinking. Only the “fun” -whatever that is.

I need to do some work before travelling to Vegas. I need a plan. I need to be doing some reading and keep up with journalling, meditation, and my supports that are in place. Without this work I am doomed to making the same mistake I have made a thousand times before and wishing for a different outcome. There will not be a different outcome. It will be exactly the same pain and the same shame. If I want a different outcome I have to approach it in a different way. So this post is a beginning of my preparations to do away with this stinking thinking and remember why I chose to become a non-drinker in the first place…

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