So I picked up the wine last Saturday up at the ski hill. I went with a plan that I posted about on Friday and stuck to it with no deviations. Bought the special tea, went to yoga, looked after HALT, and listened to the Bubble Hour during the drive up… Friday night was a snap. No problem at all. On Saturday, my oldest daughter had an emotional meltdown and I drove back to town to help her out. Took her to the doctor, out for lunch, ran some errands and then she asked me to help her choose some wine for a dinner party. I thought I was strong enough. Went into the wine store and came out with the job done, feeling good. Drove her home and waited to head back to the mountain to meet up with my husband and our friends. I felt out of sorts but really just marked it up to the grey, dull, winter day. Drove up to the hill and the moment I walked in I took my husband aside and told him I was having a glass of wine. The ease that I made that decision blows my mind. Had the wine and IMMEDIATELY the stress about having enough starts. It didn’t even taste good. So we had some wine, I went to the store and bought way more – just to be sure and then we went to bed. As far as m wine consumption goes, I didn’t drink an *epic* amount like I can. Did not matter – I felt like sh#t the next day. But worse than that, I unleashed the addict voice in my head. “My as well drink, it is Superbowl…” – yeah except that I am not a football fan. “You are leaving for Las Vegas pretty quick – just drink until the end of that trip…” – that is a couple of weeks away and by then who knows how much physical and emotional damage will be done. “You have a play this week with friends – drink wine – have fun…” – but in reality, I fall asleep during the plays when I drink and I have really hurt my friend’s feelings with some *truths* that I have shared that would never have been shared without a belly full of wine… And on and on and on it went. I knew I was falling down the rabbit hole of addiction fast and that I would be back to daily drinking in a heartbeat if I didn’t do something fast… So, I emailed a sober coach that I had been in contact with and I told her what choice I had made. And I asked for help. Four words that I have always had such a hard time with. She emailed me back right away with the exact words I needed to hear:
1. If you keep up with drinking today you are restarting your drinking. You are either starting or stopping today, not yesterday. Don’t see last night as the screw up. See today as the day to get sobriety back within your grip. And it is doable. It will be easiest to stop today. Harder tomorrow and even harder the following days. It is at its easiest today. Please, please trust me. Seize this moment of physical and emotional pain and let it work to your advantage.
2. If it wasn’t good last night it won’t be good today. Go to yoga, walking, call me… Get away from the booze. I will help anyway I can. At the worst you got a big reminder of why you choose to no longer drink.
And so with those words, and the truth of the gravity of the situation in my heart, I stopped. I did not use my poor choice as an excuse to engage in numbing behaviour for an extended period of time and for that I am so damn grateful. I have made some huge strides these past months and I refuse to give that up. So, I will take the help, read recovery material daily, journal/blog daily, get some exercise daily, and continue to focus oh who I want to be and do the things that woman would likely do TODAY. And when I know I am slipping, I will ask for help…