Pong

It has been a while since I have been here. Vegas did not go well (see previous posts). I am trying to do what people do when goals they have set for themselves have not been realized. When they fail. I am trying to analyze what went wrong, when it went wrong, and if I have the strength to care. I did not even make it off of the plane before I was ordering wine with one of my closest friends on the planet. As I was making the decision to not meet my goals for that trip, I was very aware of the myriad of thoughts and emotions that were swirling in my head. Don’t do it. Do it – your trip will be way more fun. Disappointment – this is not who you want to be. Do it – this is what you have in common with these folks – you don’t want to be the buzz kill on the trip. So sad. Throughout it all I felt profound sadness because ultimately I was not being true to the person I want to be. And true to form, I have been drinking wine pretty solidly ever since. Insert sigh here. So here I sit on this snowy Canadian morning in March wondering how to once again get back to where I was. Do I want to? Yes and no. But mostly yes. This battle with wine is tiring. Two decades now and counting. Is it that I need to cocoon myself away from all of those who drink for a long time until I grow stronger sober muscles? Please not a 12 step solution. I don’t think I could go back there but the results don’t lie. How to move forward and set yet another goal? That is the question. And we are on the eve of leaving for a ski trip with friends. And then onto California. How much fun to drink but even more how much better to be sober and hangover free. My mind is like that old video game, “Pong” – back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, until I am crazy and dizzy. That is all I have for today. Hope this isn’t a bummer but today it is my truth…

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