Day two for the 10 000th time. Insert sigh here. I am laying as low as I can for right now and thankfully the husband is away on a sporting trip with my daughter. Just me and my son at home. So I can veg and eat Kraft Dinner right out of the pot if I feel like it. I have quit so many damn times I am sick of myself. I still feel “icky” from the previous eight day drinking stint. I would just keep on drinking but feeling that bad just sucks so I have quit and here I am. The sun is shining out of my bedroom window and my dog would love nothing more than to be walked on this gorgeous afternoon but I am lying in bed waiting for day 2 to be over. How fucking inspiring is that? I did get my work done today but had to come home and lie down between appointments.
I got up early and drove my hubby and my kid to the bus and made us all a healthy green shake. But I feel like my body is telling me, “…its gonna take a hell of a lot more than that to fix the abuse you meted out this last time…” The worst part is that I keep wondering what will be the pitiful excuse this time when I decide to pick up again… Working for days in a garden – which I enjoyed doing – and rewarding myself by inviting my good friend (and longest drinking buddy) over to see my hard work? That is what did it last time.
Anyway, I am laying low because that is all I can do right now – that is all the energy I have to give to life. And I know from experience to go gently and treat myself as though I have the flu. How many times this past year have I had to do that? I don’t even begin to get my energy back for several days at best. Who has this kind of time to waste for God’s sake????
But what is the alternative? Drink tonight… Honestly the thought turns my stomach. I wish I could instantly make a group of sober friends to do things with without having to join a bloody support group. Just writing this feels better. Like dumping all the shit I am feeling onto the keyboard so I can move on with life. Maybe I will walk the dog or something. Wish this was more uplifting but it is what it is…