My Top Ten Reasons ~
1) The low-grade depression that sets in – the only time this substance seems to enhance or add to my life is *sometimes* when I am actually with glass in hand and even then those moments are fleeting. I actually spend many nights just sipping endlessly, silently, zombie like – watching tv I have often seen before but not to worry as I probably won’t remember what I watched the next day. But when I wake up in the morning and the desperate feeling of *who gives a fuck about life really* sets in. I think of all the cancer patients in the world or the women in Afghanistan who would very willingly give up a limb for my health, freedoms, daily opportunities and I CHOOSE I actually CHOOSE to spend my days like this. Mind fucking baffling really.
2) My lack of self-worth and self -respect. I say and sometimes do things that I would never do if wine was not involved. I can see my kids kinda laugh at me sometimes or avoid me late night. I feel anxious when their friends arrive that I will say or do something dumb and so I shut down and say nothing or try to strong arm my numb, slurring personality through. But my daughter just takes her friends downstairs – something she did not do so quickly when I wasn’t drinking. I am very critical of others and can voice things that I normally would never dream of flippantly without care and the shame the next morning when I remember unfair things said or done – I used to be much classier than that. I swear a lot more too – hoping that will make up for my low-level conversation ability I guess.
3) My focus in my whole life becomes absolutely singular – what time can we start, how much is there, how can I get rid of any evening driving responsibilities, should I get more now, what time will the kids go to bed so I can finish the job? My love of reading? Gone. My practice of yoga? Gone. Walking my four-legged best friend? Not happening. Hobbies? Forget it. Responsibilities? Tomorrow. Going out in the evening for a coffee, movie, frozen yoghurt? Nope – no wine served at any of those places.
4) Desperately trying to cover that I do not remember conversations, if I saw my teenager before she went to bed last night, reviewing texts written shit-faced, trying to remember what heart-felt, meaningful conversation we had, the plot to tv shows or movies rented. Fucking exhausting.
5) I love to have sex with my husband except when I have a gullet full of cheap red wine. It is like someone down the hall is having the experience. We are not getting any younger, and in the past couple of years this area of my life has gotten amazing unless I am drinking. But given the choice I will choose the cheap wine every single time.
6) Time wasted the next day trying to feel better – usually takes a long sleep in, lots of sugar, a cheese burger and often when I really cannot move on I will need a hair of the dog. Only to know that I will be in exactly the same place tomorrow. I eat like shit, have no motivation to exercise, and mope around like a moody teenager because I hate myself. Great times.
7) Fear of events, occasions, dinners out and other things that should be a ton of fun because I cannot trust myself. Correction: I can almost guarantee that I will wake up wishing I had not said things, done things, or been so obvious about how much wine I need to consume at these events. My face is always flushed with shame as I wake up in the morning trying to piece together exactly what happened the night before.
8) The 3 am anxiety attacks where I cannot believe how scary my life has become. The dry mouth, the dizzy head, the stagger to the bathroom all the way feeling a sense of darkness and doom. Fear of dying. Fear of living. Fear of who I have become. Fear of things done. Fear of things not done. Fear.
9) The isolation I choose so that I can drink freely. I don’t want to see any “normies” thanks very much even though some are my favourite family and friends. I just wanna be left alone to drink and not be watched and not have to be careful with my words. The declining invitations because I might have to drive or regulate my consumption.
10) The lack of emotional or spiritual growth. I seem to actually regress maturity wise when I am fully drinking everyday. I become like a bitchy, jealous, irrational preteen who can only see things from her own perspective. I wind up fighting with my husband over stupid shit. I wind up getting defensive with my mom, step-dad, brother etc. I become jealous of others and feel like I am “less than” or “not appreciated.” Its ridiculous really.
My goal for this sad list of top ten reasons to stay stopped is to promise myself to read it before I pick up and to post before I pick up this time. Do something different… To remember the pain this is causing and for God’s sake do something different…