I am following a daily routine that is brand new for me this past week and while it begins a little early I find that I am bone tired by about 8pm which used to be my main drinking time… I get up at about 6:20 am (so not me) and make one cup of coffee while I finish packing my yoga stuff. I then leave at 6:45 for my recovery meeting that begins at 7:00am. I do not allow any negative thoughts or fear to be entertained while I drive to my meeting. They do their best to wiggle their way into my head but I banish them and think a different thought.
After my meeting, I drive to Starbucks and have my second coffee and allow myself to feel proud of what I have already accomplished. A little bit of “yay me” and “you did it – you got to another meeting – way to go” which is positive self-talk and not usually the kind of self-talk I engage in. I then go to my Bikram Yoga class and process any truths I picked up in the meeting.
After that the day really begins and right now I feel so bloody tired I often need a nap at some point. I am gentle with myself and allow this as I have read all over the place that this fatigue is likely post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS). I am so fortunate to not be in a classroom full-time this year otherwise I am not sure how I would be able to “fit” recovery in which is kind of a terrifying thought. This routine is working right now. I am going to stick with it and try not to add too much like running or joining a gym etc. like I have done in the past.
In my meeting this morning the talk was around the idea that we have to walk through the fear in order to get to a place of peace – no avoiding fear – no hiding from fear – no running from fear – all of which I did in the past. I need to face it, experience it without it becoming debilitating, and walk through it trusting that I will be okay and then I will experience peace and I so so so so want some bloody peace in my life. Each time I walk down those stairs and into a meeting I am facing my fear head on. That fear used to debilitate me to the point that I avoided it at all costs and then I would eventually end up drinking again every. single. time. I am trying something different this time. And then after the meeting when I am ordering my Americano at Starbucks I feel a certain peace settle over me knowing that I faced my fear, walked into a meeting, and got the help I need to not drink for today. And for that I am grateful. Peace.