Woman Obssessed…

I looked up the meaning of manageable this morning: “able to be managed, controlled, or accomplished without great difficulty” or “easy to control or deal with.” That is not how I could describe my life when I drank 1+ bottle of wine the night before. Easy to deal with. Nope, not at all. It was like an uphill battle to get done the bare minimum so that people would not notice what rough shape I was in. Sometimes I could not get out of bed until my kids got home from school. Sad. That was my outside life.
I am recognizing *slowly* how unmanageable my inner life had become and isn’t the inner life what is really, really important. Isn’t the inner life what eventually reflects our outer beings unless we are busy lying and wearing masks to hide what is happening inside? I know that I am powerless over my obsession with alcohol. For the entire day it would be in the back of my mind – how would I get my wine, would there be enough, do I have to drive anywhere, when could we commence drinking – could we work it into lunch somehow and if we could then the day ended at noon for me. I would say yes or no to events in my life based on whether there would be the ability to drink. I would choose not to go to movies because too much of the night would be “taken up” by sitting in the theatre alcohol free and that was a waste of good drinking time. Yet, I love going to the movies. Any kind of physical activity would have to be done in the morning because I wanted to leave my evenings free but the problem was that I felt like shit in the morning – so physical activity fell to the wayside. Too bad, cause I love exercise when I am not drinking. Going out for frozen yoghurt or a coffee in the evening was something that I loved to do with my daughters or my husband or my friends – unless I was drinking and then it was forgotten. And HGTV with a big glass of wine was what I would do night after night after night. And please don’t try to engage me in conversation – can’t you see I am *unwinding* for Pete’s sake? I was obsessed – drinking was taking up so much real estate in my head and in my heart – there was room for little else. And my inner life took a shit-kicking that has been hard to come back from this time.
I knew I was living a lie and I could make things *look* okay to those who didn’t dig too deep into “how are ya doing, really?” But I knew. Especially at three in the morning when the sickness, panic, and terrible chemical taste in my mouth would not let me gloss over the gravity of my situation with cool glamour and sophistication lies. I was spiritually dead and physically not much better. My mental health was poor – I could imagine the most terrible betrayals and convince myself that they were inevitable. And then I would act on these mental mis-truths. I would cause all kinds of chaos and discord based on my crazy, alcohol soaked brain. How could I ever think that this was managing my life??? My life was anything but “easy to deal with” after a night of drinking.
I am relieved that drinking is off the table and that I have found the courage to begin attending recovery meetings because there is an accountability and strength found in community – I don’t know why but there is. I know that I am not the only one having an alcohol free day. There are faces of others I have met who are doing the same and for the most part, quite happily doing without which means that I can do it too. Makes it attainable somehow. And I don’t want to let them down – I want to try to get through just today without my bucket of wine so that I can face this group of authentic people tomorrow morning with a clear conscience and sparkling eyes. So, for today, I will not drink. And because I have been given a reprieve from my obsession for today, I am so damn grateful…

4 thoughts on “Woman Obssessed…”

  1. It’s amazing what we can hide from others.. but there’s no hiding from ourselves at 3am. I hated the 3am fizzy brain.. but it’s ultimately what saved me. The guilt saved me.. luckily the guilty part of my brain that knew my heavy wine consumption was wrong overrode the enthusiastic drinking part of my brain. Great post xx

  2. Wow, amazing post. I feel like I could have written this, but I’m far too lazy (even sober). The THINKING about wine was such an energy suck. And yes, UNWINDING, I can’t really talk to you now, why won’t you just please stop talking. I’m soon to be 5 months sober and I can’t believe how PRESENT I am in my life now. It feels great most times and really shitty other times, but it’s real and I wouldn’t trade it for a drink, any drink, even if it came with the promise of not getting to the bottom of the bottle. Keep moving and keep up the great posts! LOVE LOVE this one!

    1. I remember when my cousin quit drinking, I could NOT believe how attentive he was and present during our conversations in a way that he never had been before. Other people know and can feel when we are present, truly present and I feel like that is the least I can give to those I love… so grateful to be present…

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