Feeling Feelings

Home from my morning meeting. Feeling feelings is not as fun as it sounds. I think I know why I drank so much for so long. I am angry. I don’t like it – it is tiring but it is what it is. I am angry at my mom, my husband, my son. No reason in particular. Just angry. And I really, really want to be alone. Not a healthy way to be, but that is the reality. Tried going to yoga yesterday as that can often clear my mind. At one point during a pose in the heat, I thought I was going to sob. I came home and went to bed. Sometimes the only redeemable thing about a day is to end as soon as possible. I woke up this morning and my words hurt my husband. While they were true, I probably could have saved them for a time when we had more time to talk things out. I phoned after my meeting and apologized for my timing. Being the gracious man that he is, he readily accepted my apology. It doesn’t make things any different but maybe kinder. I am rambling.
I recently completed a timeline of my life outlining the effect alcohol has had on my life. The point is to see that it is all connected and not a series of isolated coincidences. This is the part of recovery that I hate and wonder what is the point of digging all that crap up. I hate the associated feelings. And now I am mad at my mom for the past. Ridiculous. But a friend assures me that denying this history is keeping me unwell. And so I will trust the process and not go my own way as I have done in the past.
I hate the fact that perfect strangers at my recovery meetings can relate to me on a level that my husband never will. I hate the fact that it feels like him and I are on completely divergent paths that are leading us further apart from one another. This is the point where I talk myself into drinking again (using him as an excuse) in order to keep the status quo because change is f*$#ing scary. It is unknown. Who will I be? Who will want to be with me if I change this much? Who wants to feel these feelings anyway?
This feels hard. This feels like a lot of work. But then isn’t anything worth having in life like that? This morning in our meeting we talked about negative thinking verses positive thinking. Perhaps instead of dreading what this might negatively do to my marriage, what if my getting sober made my marriage stronger, my life better, my relationships richer, and provided me a peace with my past that is beyond my wildest dreams? I will think on that…

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