This has been the season of graduation in my family’s lives. My daughter and nephew are graduating from high school and my sister-in-law is graduating from her nursing program. Throw in Father’s Day and the result is lots of gatherings and family get togethers all emotionally loaded. I used to drink LOTS at these events. I love my family but my goodness what a bevy of emotions a visit can stir up. And take away my liquid lubricant and I am feeling lost and weird and outa sorts. I am beginning to realize how much anxiety or fear or angst or whatever this feeling is happens when I am around my family – whom I love… It is a tricky road navigating through these priorities staying sober and celebrating important events with my family.
I went to my sister-in-law’s celebration and folks were drinking and it was very, very triggery for me. I felt very uncomfortable in my own skin. Once we arrived at the actual ceremony things settled down a bit. At the dinner afterwards though I realized I might be in over my sober head. And so I looked at my son and said, “think we can bomb all the way back home tonight and sleep in our own beds???” And so we ate very quickly and then I got the hell outa Dodge. We arrived home at two in the morning feeling a different kind of wasted but we were home. Yesterday I still felt “icky” but safer and calmer. And now today the family is heading up here to celebrate my daughter’s convocation. I need to stay calm and peaceful. Keep it simple. Take it easy. One minute at a time. All the cliches are cliches because they are true and they are helpful as cheesy and overused as they might sound. Need to get through tonight and tomorrow and then hopefully things will calm down for a while.
I am grateful that I am home and able to attend my morning recovery meeting. Hate going but feel so much saner afterwards. Don’t know why but it works for me. I am grateful for family that wants to be together to celebrate important moments in each other’s lives. Grateful that as far as gatherings go, tonight’s will be small and manageable. Grateful that I get to sleep in my own bed tonight. Grateful that when I have had enough, I can text some sober friends and I know that they will be quick to support and encourage me in my sober journey. And so grateful that when I look back at the photos and remember these moments they will not be marred with any shame or regret over things said or done because of drinking. It is simple but not easy. (yup, another cliche) Tonight I will not drink – no drinking and no debating about drinking. Wishing you all an amazing Friday!