I have started the next level of my Yoga Teacher Training. I cannot get over how what I learn in that arena supports and encourages me in my decision to quit drinking. I love putting myself in these new environments where people are working on their “stuff” and stepping up to develop a better life for themselves. It is inspiring. I am grateful for the opportunity for learning content that supports my sobriety in such a huge way.
But even in this group the constant, casual references to wine can be super annoying. Really? Here too? The booze obsession is alive and well with yogis in case you were wondering. (Insert deep sigh here) Lately I have been beating myself up because I am having very strong feelings that cause suffering when the topic of other people drinking comes up. I feel super sorry for myself. My reactions are intense. Grief. Then anger. A feeling of being left outa stuff because I can’t join in the conversation with my tales of a great glass of merlot. So then I withdraw. And that is lonely. I thought I was over all that. I was better during the summer when folks were drinking or talking about drinking or planning their drinking. I didn’t love those situations but I managed way more easily than I seem to be managing now. And the fact that I was handling these situations better before was confusing.
One of the students in the yoga training went off on a tangent about how her friends want her to start up a “wine and Yoga” class where they all drink tons of wine and then do yoga. “How funny would that be – everyone falling all over their mat… Ha ha ha…” Does not help that I found the sound of her voice super grating. Shut the hell up!!! That was actually what I was yelling in my head. How yoga is that? I was so annoyed. I walked away to give myself space. I exited the conversation and did not even pretend to laugh. I was tired. It was late. I was grouchy and I think I was triggered. And in retropect, I was mad that I was mad – if that makes any sense at all. I should be past all of that… I should be more spiritually evolved or some damn thing but really I just wanted to shake her. I know, breathe. I did that but still so annoyed.
Ahhh the Bubble Hour. I love, love, love that show. And shortly after that experience I was walking my best four legged pal while tuned into one of the latest podcasts and of course it was exactly what I needed to hear. The discussion topic was on PAWS which stands for Post Acute Withdrawl Symtoms. I know about PAWS but I forgot. The discussion reminded me that for no reason at all things can feel tricky or tough or mood swingy and that my job is to ride the wave of discomfort and know that this too shall pass. Ellie (I think) mentioned that right around the seventh or eighth month “stuff” can rise up. Guess where I am? Any surprise that I am coming up on my seventh month? As an aside, I am so glad to hear Ellie’s voice again – I missed her and love her perspective and the way she is able to so clearly articulate her experiences, struggles, strength and hope to the rest of us. All of the Bubble Hour hosts are amazing and if you have not yet tuned in – do it right now – don’t wait. Just google the Bubble Hour and you wil have hours of awesome discussion on a ton of topics all related to recovery. So, since listening in to that podcast I have gone a lot easier on myself. I realize that my intense and emotional reactions are likely symptoms of PAWS – or in other words, my brain is working hard to heal. I need to be patient through this process.
I will do my best to find patience around those who find the need to constantly find a connection to drinking wine no matter what they are doing. Even if it is during training to become a yoga therapist. If wine drinking is their thing then so be it. It was mine once too. This intense reaction phase shall pass – it is just an impatient bumpy spot on my sober journey. And that is okay… Off to walk my dog and see what my “girls” at the Bubble Hour are talking about now…