A huge part of my program is to develop awareness of where/how I am today compared to where/how I was when actively drinking. A year ago my husband, along with a good friend and myself embarked on a cleanse. I thought it looked like a good one as it was not a juice or water cleanse which I KNOW would not be a good fit for me. We researched and then gathered the supplies to do Dr. Junger’s Clean Cleanse. And I was excited. Here I was newly sober (again) and now I was going to become the super fit and healthy woman I always dreamed of becoming. I lasted two days. I felt entirely ripped off and put out the whole time. It was too much to give up my wine and now have so many restraints on my food intake. No coffee?! No dairy?! No gluten?! And scariest of all: NO SUGAR!!! I was bitter and resentful towards all humans who were just out there sipping wine, coffee, noshing on cheese, fresh baked bread and ending each day with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I finally realized that this might make me pick up again if I wasn’t careful and so I wisely quit the cleanse.
Fast forward to this year, I am calmer, more resolved and not bitter or resentful at all. Okay maybe just a tad as I walk by your table and see the pizza sitting on your plate… But it passes. I have been doing the cleanse for EIGHT DAYS now and damn I am proud of that. Jeans seems a little looser and the caffeine has lost its grip on me. But most importantly, I am really trying to lose the sugar thing I have go going on… Feels familiar – need it to feel better and as soon as I am done want some more.
I really believe that the reason things seem easier this year is because I no longer feel left out, sorry for myself or like I am being deprived of the ability to drink wine. I am starting to know in my heart of hearts what a gift sobriety is. Sobriety is bringing me everything that drinking promised. That is something worth noticing.