Drinking Dread

I woke at 3:14am with a familiar sense of dread and fear spreading out from the pit of my tummy to my limbs. A sense of hopelessness permeated my being. I looked toward my closet and wondered what on earth I was going to do. How would I ever escape this hell I had created for myself? Beginning the familiar task of trying to piece together the evening before, while bracing myself for the coming awareness of the toxic taste in my mouth and sensation of  nausea that would take over any second now. But wait. Something is wrong. I remember every word spoken the previous evening. I regret nothing. I remember the program I watched. I actually know how it ended. There is no toxic taste in my mouth. I am not sick to my stomach. And then it hits me: I still don’t drink. And with this realization the terror dissolves into a feeling of cozy comfort. And profound relief. And blessed peace. I roll over and feel such deep gratitude that I am not in that place any longer. I notice the quiet. I sense the warmth coming from my blankets and my best friend beside me. On this cold and dark winter night something is not wrong after all. Rather, all is right with my world. I rarely wake up at this time anymore. What used to be a terrifying nightly appointment with impending doom has been replaced by peaceful slumber. For whatever reason that awoke me at this familiar time, an old pattern of pain was reactivated. But this time it was not based on reality. It was based on memory. I stretched out my legs threw my arm around my husband, whispered “thank God” and drifted back to sleep. I pray that I never again return to the nightly dread that my drinking problem provided. I wish that for you too.

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Published by: shineshine100

I am a 47 year old woman who is trying to live her best one and only life by putting down the wine glass and moving forward. I am a wife. I am a mom of three teens. I am a teacher. When not wasting time sipping poison I love to hike, bike, read, ski, cook, and do yoga.

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9 thoughts on “Drinking Dread”

  1. Thanks so much for this posting ; I needed a reminder of the ‘impending doom’ associated with a 3 o’clock wake-up. …. 50 odd days sober for me, and a patch of anxiety has hit and this seems to be causing me to crave a drink, more so than usual. The reminder of the crazy place drinking can take my mind is exactly what I needed, and I’m now safely in bed, ready for a hangover free Sunday.. Thank-you. P.s. That is so cool that your daughter’s friend has come to you for help!

    1. Miss Meg – well done getting through the anxious patch. Not an easy thing to do and sometimes the only thing to do when we are being swept away by thoughts of drinking is to take a hot bath, put on our favourite pjs, tuck ourselves into bed and let the day come to a close. You are awesome and 50 days – way to go. When I feel the feeling of wanting to drink coming on, I often tune into the Bubble Hour – those girls have become my sober buddies in times of trouble and I have only ever met one in real life!!! Somehow, they make me feel less alone. It is a free podcast – check it out 🙂 Life is so much better now – my worst day sober is so much better than my best day drinking… Love and peace to you XOX

  2. Love this — I’ve experienced the same thing. What an amazing relief it is to realize that I don’t have to scan my memory of the night before for anything I might have done or said or eaten or spent that I will regret. What I remember is ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED. 🙂 No dread necessary.

    And I agree about the Bubble Hour! – Rachel.

  3. one of my fav things i’ve read. what a wonderful view of our truth. i dream about drinking a lot, almost 2 years sober, and still find the gratitude i feel when i wake amazing. it is renewing.

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