A few years back, I started drinking again after some time (think weeks) sober at Easter dinner. My mom’s house can be “triggery” for me as I used to sip wine all evening with her as my husband drank with my step-dad. So I have noticed that for the past while (think two years) I have avoided going there. We meet at my house. Or downtown. Or anywhere.
But this past weekend we spent Easter Sunday at my mom’s house. When we arrived I sat outside in the sunshine looking over her garden and cleaning the celery plant out. Because gardening makes me feel calm. I went to visit my grandmother at her assisted living facility because that was a priority for me. Mom and I went for a long walk before dinner. I ate so much ham and scalloped potatoes that I needed another walk after dinner. When we arrived home, my mom made us a hot pot of tea. And around 11:00pm, following a long, leisurely visit with my mom, I went to bed alcohol free. What a feeling.
I reminisced about the Easter I began drinking again at my mom’s dinner a few years prior. The angst I felt was instant. I was not even through the first glass and I KNEW I was making a mistake. The wondering about the next glass was immediate. The watching the levels on the available wine started as my fear of running out kicked in. It was shocking how quickly my thought processes were abducted to the obsession of more. I could not be present for anyone there. My only concern was keeping my wine glass topped up. I went to bed drunk. I woke up hung-over and angry. I hated myself.
We woke up early Monday morning. We ate a big breakfast and enjoyed steaming lattes. I felt great. I thanked my folks for their hospitality and we drove to our hometown about four hours away. There is no comparison between the two dinners and the two women I have experienced being. I am grateful for my alcohol-free life. I am grateful for the woman I have become. I am sad for the woman I was. She was lost. She was frustrated. She was afraid. She was a hostage to her habit. I am grateful for my alcohol-free life…