The Little Voice Inside My Head

This sober living takes vigilance. It seems that the little voice in my head that tells me this time will be different is always waiting for the perfect moment. The moment when I am tired, sad or lonely or super excited. The moment when I find out that somebody else I know who stopped drinking has started again – the voice chimes in “…you could easily do that too you know… you have learned so much over the past two and a half years… your thinking was bad back then – it’s better now…” But it is not a risk I am willing to take. I know that everything I have worked so hard to build these past couple of years could be gone inside a month. So it comes back to asking that voice the following question: “Is that true that I could drink without problems easily? Is that true that what I have learned about sober living the past two years would help me drink moderately? Is that true that my thinking is all better now? Doesn’t really feel like it. None of that is probably true. But more than that, is it really worth risking this beautiful, calm and peaceful life I have painstakingly created to find out? What about the peace I feel when I read another article outlining the health risks associated with even moderate drinking, knowing that I abstain entirely and so for that particular risk, I’m out. What about the mornings I have come to love so much? The coffee? The endless opportunities to engage in whatever activity I want not limited by recovering from a hangover… Β The chat with my chickens as I let them out and feed them? Imagine caring for chickens when hung over… No thanks.

This weekend we hosted a keg party for my son who just turned 19. There is that little voice again, “…you should have a drink with him on this momentous birthday…” We invited family and friends. And by about 9pm those who had been hitting the keg like they were mad at it, started to look blurry to me. Their conversation became harder to follow. Their balance seemed slightly off. It is as though their entire soul began to fade before me and in fact, that is what my experience is of those who drink until they are buzzed. They fade to way less interesting versions of themselves. Kids know it. My niece told her dad to “stop drinking so much beer…” because she noticed he was talking waaaaay louder than normal. Children intuitively know that there is something amiss with the adults around them when the alcohol comes out to play. And I love being the constant for them. The one whose energy does not change no matter how late the party goes. The one whose voice does not slur or become loud or angry or inappropriate. That alone, being safe for the kids in my zone of influence, is enough to tell the little voice to shut. the. hell. up. And that is what I have been thinking about today and wanted to share…

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Published by: shineshine100

I am a 47 year old woman who is trying to live her best one and only life by putting down the wine glass and moving forward. I am a wife. I am a mom of three teens. I am a teacher. When not wasting time sipping poison I love to hike, bike, read, ski, cook, and do yoga.

Categories Uncategorized8 Comments

8 thoughts on “The Little Voice Inside My Head”

  1. I want to be the constant, that’s such an accurate observation about children seeing more than we realise.

    It’s taken me forever to finally accept that I’m not a ‘glass of wine every couple of weeks’ person. But that’s okay, I’m aiming for the peace you’ve found.

    Enjoy your morning πŸ”πŸ”β˜€

  2. Exactly, yes. Oh but that little voice tries! When it pops up I think, “seriously, you’re still here? Aren’t you persistent.” And sometimes that voice is tricky and persuasive. You are right though, I love being that steady matriarch that my family can count on. I might be flaky, forgetful, and anxious but they can count on me 100%. And I can count on myself. So happy to read your post. I think of you often.

  3. What a very true post. I too love what I’m becoming…and when that trickster voice does surface, sometimes it scares me because I don’t want to lose what I have now…I have really grown to treasure my sentience and balance.

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